To put it simply Christianity is a one or the other proposition: one either goes to heaven or hell – there is no other choice.
Ever since I was nine years old my heart has been a marshmallow on a skewer within the flames of an emotional hell.
On my birthday this year in April that will be the beginning of the 50th anniversary year of when my mother chose to divorce my father.
My brothers and I have paying the price for her choices ever since then.
Her choices led directly to the death of my father and the suicide of my younger brother from her second marriage.
And is the root cause that led to the choices I made during my twenties, that has destroyed all chances, along with the hope of my ever experiencing the full range of true happiness with a woman.
The irony being that by the time I fully understood what I really wanted in a relationship: needed from a woman; there is no longer any chance or possibility of that ever happening except through a long range relationship over the internet.
Don’t get me wrong I am happier than I have ever been, and my best friend here on WordPress makes me very happy, her presense in my life brightens my otherwise dark and dreary life.
And yet it pains me that I will never be able to experience the full complete range of love: mentally, emotionally and physically/sexually with a women who choses to love me simply because I’m worth being loved.
Still my best friend here on WordPress completes me in ways my wife can’t and refuses to do and I am very grateful for that.
In spite of the half century of emotional pain I have experienced: I am a better person who is able to understand other’s and help them to the best of my ability.
Still my life has been such that I neither desire to burn in hell; nor spend an eternity with a God who allowed what I have endured to happen.
The kindest thing God could do for me is to allow me to fall asleep and never wake up when my time comes.
I have been through enough hell already and have absolutely no desire to experience another.